I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
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