Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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