He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
