I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize