If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
