I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
