my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
