She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
