booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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