you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
