I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
