i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
