you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
