fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
