Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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