Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
