Someone shit on the floor
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
