dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
