the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
