I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
