Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
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Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.