I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
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Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
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All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.