I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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