I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
someone threw a dead crab at me
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
