I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
It was confusing and full of hummus
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
