i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
