More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
