Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
