After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
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Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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