I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Randomize
