I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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