i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
