does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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