Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
