I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
