The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
