Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
