Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Randomize
