frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
