i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
