In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
why is half of my head shaved?
I did not marry a roomba.
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