i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
