If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
