I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
