ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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