Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
