last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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