I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize