I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
