when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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