Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
