Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
