a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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