how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
